Conforming for a Dollar is a Sealtrick for a Fish

Never in my work history have I been so exposed to the Truman Show get out of town blockage ad these three months since in trying to find a new cubicle in which to grind away the hours. In fact more rejection on the job front from Narnia here in town today - nice rejections and split decision and save me for later - but nonetheless rejection again in the FTE market.

I've been out of work since the end of December last year when they let us all go at my last assignment. Of course, the painful Search was on and has been relentless. Three FTE interviews, numerous calls, beautiful promises, very close calls. Endless agency calls ad placements and submittals. The machinery is moving.  It has been more grueling than ever. Oh I'm angry yeah. Of course I want to cry and give up. How I press on for the dollar soon to go.

And you know what? I think I am realizing why. I'm not blind to it. This, my second Coventry. Banishment is solitary for those without the crime.

I get the same response all the time; that they LOVE terrific me, and MEAN that too, no they do -- that I was perfect for what they wanted, the path I've forged is so impressive, and samples I bring to illustrate creative problem solving and motivating leadership are just what they are looking for - however someone else was... just a BETTER FIT.


So I get it. Not about personality and track history. About FIT. Well, gym and I do not get along. To maintain or find a job you have be a good liar/pretender/cog and BY NO MEANS can you be sincere/transparent/unique.

I'll admit it, I am quite the stand-out loudmouth but NEVER in any way to be a total ass like that lady you worked for who was downright EVIL to you - and and we've all had micromanaging our hour asses to the clock our psychological; strength ability to not pummel and/or projection vomit onto what she called an outfit.

I always stick to my principles because that's who I am - it's not an act. However, it's very clear that I don't fit it and in fact, never have being the boy in bubble scientist glasses since age 3. I paid dearly for that in daily pummeling I assure you, and somehow still found a (quite interesting) way out of that dark valley of violence, hate and gloom into the light of love of Self and of my own soul, and in forgiveness my fellows too.

I am ALIVE with creative and fiery passions; everything is INTERESTING and LIFE itself so beautiful that I shall NEVER TAKE FOR GRANTED having fed my dying mother food with a spoon and switched out the too-full bowel buckets Home Depot that laid aside the chair and tortured dignity and mocked my father's dying days while he sat strapped in to to a breathing wingback in the lonely house he gave us all just to fade away ashamed.

I have that wingback in my bedroom today. And it is aptly named. Not one day do I forget how ugly this place it and what it does to angels in boot camp.
Calling like it is will heal this sick planet for once and all before it is too late. It'll stop wars. Simple really. If everyone looked within we'd stop hating all those out there. This is fact. All the games and policy of repression means out come the rage projection. As above, so below so everyone please knock it off and turn off the show.

Now, I write  -- and I do so in catharsis yes but also hopes if you read you will pick something up in it that makes you change one day. Yes I said you. And change, but nothing really huge. I'm only asking for a day. Even less. One occasion on one day maybe, where you find a way to stop lying to yourself about all the bullshit and look it RIGHT in the eye and CALL IT FOR WHAT IT IS rather that saying "why thank for, sir, for all that delicious chocolate cake piled so high down there  - I just can't wait and dig on in."

I am a blazing unwanted star to a DEADLPLANET WORLD who thinks badly lit is shining, who thinks that work we must do when here is NOT for some tall box of seats corporate to the sky but for building a temple foundation within your heart before you go. It is all we have. The stuff we bring when leaving. And I'm not goody two shoes about this. I am not lecturing you. I don't have the right to. I do it for my own reasons and it pisses off the world and now the cosmos is telling me - taunting me like in Gethsemane - "well boy all you gots to do is CONFORM."

"It will all fall in to place so effortlessly from there. "

Will thank you no thank you he who hides in desert breath, JUST LOOK AT WHAT IT GOT YOU. I don't think I like where this date is leading to. And I don't believe you that we are out of gas Take me home.I really mean it now.